Reflective thoughts

How many of you still recall back your past at times though you have moved on? Is it a norm feeling?

They say memories still stay though the person has gone. I agree.

But why my memories are left of those unhappy things of him?

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At times when I walked past the clinic, I thought of the past times he fell sick while he was doing full time Grab. He didnt want see any doctor or spent $ on medicine and consultation as he was self employed. He couldnt claim medical from company. I would go queue up and told doc Im sick. Asked for flu fever cough medicine that he needed. Paid and brought back the medicine for him.

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He had diarrhoea in middle of night. I was awake as I saw the toilet lights on. Without second thoughts, I went down to 24hrs Sheng Siong supermarket across the street to buy few cans of 100plus drink (old remedy said it could stop diarrhoea) for him. He was hiding in toilet for long & using his hp. From the time I went down till I returned home. More than 30min.

My instincts prompted me to see my hp whatsapp.

I saw his whatsapp online. Who could he be texting with at such late hour 3am? Instinct told me it was Cindy. Indeed, when I went to see her whatsapp, she was online too. I wept myself to sleep that night.

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I tried not to walk down the staircase from Segar flat unless I had to. Each time if I had to use that staircase, images of me sitting alone by myself in late nights smoking and crying over his not coming home surfaced in my mind.

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At times when I was in grab and the car suddenly braked, I thought of the times when me and kids were in his car. If there was another car who had cut his lane or drove recklessly past him, he would angrily step on his car accelerator to “play” speed with that car. I wasnt happy at all. Kids were in his car, I reminded him. His dangerous and unthoughtful acts could bring harm to the kids. Yet he just couldnt bother much. He didnt care about me nor kids safety.

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At times, I still dreamt about him and Cindy having intimate acts. Why?

But all those were the past. Why couldnt those be erased from my memories?

A week ago, we texted about settling our matrimonial flat. Instead of buying over his shares, I decided to sell the flat to give him back his shares. Lawyer said needed him to sign a consent form to vary the court order.

When I told him, he didnt understand the fact I couldnt afford to buy over his shares and which was why I chose to sell the flat. He would still get back his same shares money.

He went on ranting, saying my affidavit stated I wanted keep the flat for my kids. Yet now I chose to sell. Of course I wanted keep flat for my kids if I did not need to buy over his shares of 32% (after refunding his CPF $80k, still need fork out at least $50k cash, depending on valuation of flat). Since my financial ability did not allow me to buy over his shares to keep the Fernvale flat, the only way out was for me to sell the flat in order to give him his shares money.

Still, he didnt get the point. All he knew was to say Im listening to some dumbass people for dumbass advice. He said he is not in hurry to move out Fernvale flat. But court order clearly gave a 6 months duration to settle the flat.

I just want to faster settle the Fernvale flat with him. Its this flat that has been the last thing that I could get off my mind, my time and energy. He couldnt be communicated. He just want make things difficult for me.

Whenever I had to communicate with him regarding the flat, he always bring up the past. Asking me be thankful to people who encouraged me to file divorce.

He thought I got my own karma now, inviting trouble for myself in dealing the flat settlement.

He is still so self centred after all these while. He left me with no choice but to divorce.

He had forgotten what he did to me and kids.

Coz he wasnt the giver, he was a taker. He wasnt the one being betrayed and suffering with all the lies and acts. He wasnt the one who had to take care the kids alone while still working hard. He wasnt the one who constantly had to think of kids feelings and face them alone. All he did was talk only.

Hes a coward.

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