He left home. I didnt know what to do except every night crying to sleep after kids slept.
I sat at the staircase outside the house. Stick by stick, I kept smoking and crying. I stared at the expressway in front of my house building. Level 11. High enough. Thoughts of jumping off building consistently flashed in my mind.
I felt exhausted. I felt like death might be a good thing for me to remove away all the pain. I sat still very long. I still didnt decide to jump. No courage. I asked myself. Why am I in such pain?
Suddenly my kids images came into my mind. My kids. Sleeping inside the house. What happen to them if I go die? Who will know I died the next day? What if next day they wake up they cant find me? What will they do? How will they feel? Will they cry? Will they know who they can find to be taken care?
Shit me. They have no father by their side already. How can I just leave them? I went back into the house.
Next day, I started contacting his friends, telling them my situation, asking if they could help me talk to him. One replied he would try talk to him. The rest all never responded to me.
I contacted his best brother, Ryan and his wife, Joanna. I contacted another friend of his, Danny. The next day, 3 of them replied me. We met up. I told them what has happened. They heard me. Coz of my 3 kids, they were against his doings. They offered to help me talk to him.
Soon enough, he came home. He said he was sorry for not thinking straight. I asked him where has he been all these while? He told me he has been staying at a friend’s house near CCK.
I didnt want ask him anymore since he refused to say more. Things went back as normal. He sent the kids to school and picked them back home. He never went out again except with me. We also met Ryan, Joanna and Danny for meals few times. But I didnt went back visit my parents nor kept in touch with my sisters, coz of him. He felt he could not face my parents. He asked me give him some time. I agreed.
He asked for me $5k. He said he needed settle his debts. As a wife, I helped. I went to borrow from friend to help him. I thought we were back to good again.
But I was wrong.
Within a month, he started claim he need work late. I had to pick kids myself home after work. I tried to trust him. I didnt question if it was true or not. One day, I received a call. It was Cindy. She told me he was at her MMA shop. She told me she called me coz she dont want me be misunderstood that she has affair with him.
I got stunned. He told me he was working late in office at that time. But he appeared at her shop. Why did Cindy call me to tell me?
I waited at home for him. That night he never came home. The next day, I called Cindy. I needed an answer for all these. Cindy told me she wasnt sure either. She said she would try talk to him for me. She told me they were just good friends. I trusted her.
But still, he never came home.
On my eldest daughter birthday, I texted him to come home for her celebration. He didnt reply. I called Cindy. She said she would try help me by talking to him again. She told me to stay strong. I trusted her. But he never came home at all.
Few weeks later, he came home. He told me he was sorry. He was tired, he didnt want talk. He said he just wanted to rest. I couldnt do anything. I guess he didnt even noticed that I had became skinny. I drastically dropped weight from 49kg to 38kg.
Next day, when I was at work, he texted me. He told me he was sorry for whatever he had done to me and kids. He said he would be good this time. He said he had quitted his current job. He would be jobless. He asked me give him a chance again to make things right. I forgave him. We got back together for a very short period of time.
During this period, he went to get GRAB license to earn income 1st, while hunting for full time job. I supported him financially for his daily petrol and living expenses.
One day, he told me he wanted to move back himself to stay at our BTO flat in Fernvale. I asked him “what are you talking? You want move away and live separately from me and kids? This is as good as breaking up the marriage and making yourself distant away from kids.”
He replied “with u and kids around, I cannot even focus to look for full time job. With the time wasted to send and pick kids to and from school, takes up my time for me earn more money through GRAB too” … what was he talking???
We chose not to talk anymore on this. To me, it really hurt to hear such statement from him. Was he implying he find me and kids hindering his life?
Few days later, one saturday morning, he woke up initated sex with me. After that, I wanted to bring my kids to my parents house for lunch. He didnt want tag along. He said he would wait me home.
When I returned home from parents house, I couldnt find him. I texted him.
He told me he has moved back to stay at BTO flat in Fernvale. He asked me take good care of our kids. I asked him what exactly did he want? He just told me he still thought it would be good for both of us to have cooling period to see if we still suit each other.
My limit was up.